emotional fragile

Literally im emotional fragile right now. Idk why. Sometime i wish that im like other guys although im not stay at home at all. 

This is because i hate being sissy guy which loves girls thing stuff. I tried to resist but i cant. I dont want to be a girl but i think i love something feminine stuff like fashion, pink colour, dolls and etc. 

When i was kid, i am so sissy. I love talk like girls, imagine wears rollerblade like heels, love candy that shaped like lipsticks and guess what my first kite is mermaid not superhero or ugly kite one. 

I dont know why i turns like this. Maybe because i am close too much with my mom. And literally i wanna be like her and until now. But i cant be like her 100% because we have different gender. But maybe i can be like her emotionally or her behaviour. 

When i was 17 years old, i bought my first doll which i feel afraid and at same time, i feel good. This is because when i was a young boy, i love playing paper dolls which i always asked my mom so badly to buy it for me. Literallly everyday especially after school. 

Then, when i am turning 7 years old, i feel kind of nightmare. This is because all entire kids teasing me as "pondan" and i kept being bullying until i was standard 6. 

Im kind of hide away from boys and i dont have male friend until i was standard 5. That is my first friend that i have. 

Sometime to be honest, i always keep blame on my dad. Because he never spent time with me when i was kid. He never teach me how to kick a ball and he also never spend time with me at all. But now, i dont blame on him maybe because he commited his life towards work so that we can live better at future. 

 

Insecurity keep happening to me until now. And it is turns worse day by day as im growing into a man. I thought it is stop but my guess is wrong. 

My insecurity keep worse when i was sem 1. My first time living at hostel. I literally awkward when i was surrounding with guys and now i need spend time with them all day. 

I decided to isolated myself. But some of them which one of my housemate loves to asked me out and he tried to be my friend. Literally i wanna thanks to him because if he did not do that, maybe i dont have courage to make friend with guys. 

He loves to knock my door at least once a day. He would asked me if i already eat or not and others. Until one day, i wanna tried to make friend. I tried hanging out with them sinve he loves to asked me out with his friend. 

His friends became mine. And i started to befriend with other guys and i have better amount friend at that time. 

But still, i feel nothing to talk with them. Gaming, football amd other guy stuff i dont have any idea to talk makes them bailed me away.  Then, i decided to close with girls. But im okay literally. 

My hobby now loves collecting dolls. My point of view every doll has their own uniqueness which comes from many features such as make up, face sculpt or even their clothing style. 

Then i make it as my business. Turns into some profit. I received huge amount of profit.

Literally when my sister found out she was pregnant i just hope it is girl. Unfortunately he is boy.